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Post by Dell19 on Apr 16, 2004 21:28:35 GMT -5
A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside:
The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!"
My friend replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor."
Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?"
He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service."
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Post by Dell19 on Apr 16, 2004 21:30:32 GMT -5
Where is God?
A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous. They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew that, if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons were probably involved.
They boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed, but asked to see them individually. So the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon.
The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?".
They boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open, wide-eyed. So the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God!!?" Again the boy made no attempt to answer. So the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "WHERE IS GOD!?"
The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"
The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time, dude. God is missing - and they think WE did it!"
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Post by Dell19 on Apr 24, 2004 3:39:07 GMT -5
For Those Who Take Life Too Seriously
1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set
2. A day without sunshine is like, night.
3. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
4. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
5. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
7. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
8. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
9. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges
10. Honk if you love peace and quiet.
11. Remember half the people you know are below average.
12. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?
13. Nothing is fool-proof to a talented fool.
14. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
15. He who laughs last thinks slowest.
16. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
17. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
18. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
19. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
20. I intend to live forever - so far so good.
21. Borrow money from a pessimist - they don't expect it back.
22. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
23. My mind is like a steel trap - rusty and illegal in 37 states.
24. Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
25. The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
26. Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
27. When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane and going the wrong way.
28. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
29. A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
30. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
31. For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
32. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks
33. Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
34. No one is listening until you make a mistake.
35. Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.
36. The colder the x-ray table the more of your body is required on it.
37. The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.
38. The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.
39. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
40. To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
41. Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
42. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
43. Two wrongs are only the beginning.
44. The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
45. The sooner you fall behind the more time you'll have to catch up.
46. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
47. Change is inevitable except from vending machines.
48. Get a new car for your spouse - it'll be a great trade!
49. Plan to be spontaneous - tomorrow.
50. Always try to be modest and be proud of it!
51. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
52. How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand...
53. Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.
54. If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving isn't for you.
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Post by Dell19 on Apr 24, 2004 20:39:46 GMT -5
Questions Kids Ask
Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
What WAS the best thing before sliced bread?
What would chairs look like if our knees bent the other way?
If you choke a smurf, what colour does it turn?
If you cross a four leaf clover with poison ivy, would you get a rash of good luck?
If all the world's a stage, and all the people players, why isn't there better acting on 'Baywatch'?
If a no-armed man has a gun, is he armed?
If you got into a taxi and the driver starts driving backwards, does she/he owe you money?
If con is the opposite of pro, then is Congress the opposite of progress?
If you throw a cat out a car window, does it become kitty litter?
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Post by Dell19 on Apr 24, 2004 20:45:24 GMT -5
You're Not a Kid Anymore When
You quit trying to hold in your stomach, no matter who walks into the room.
You enjoy watching the news.
The phone rings and you hope it's not for you.
The only reason you're still awake at 4 am is indigestion.
People ask what color your hair USED to be.
You're proud of your lawnmower.
Your best friend is dating someone half their age AND isn't breaking any laws.
You start singing along with the elevator music.
You really do want a new washing machine for your birthday.
Your car has four doors.
You routinely check the oil in your car.
You've owned clothes so long that they've come back into style TWICE.
You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.
7 AM is your idea of "sleeping in."
You don't remember when you got that mole...or the one next to it.
You write thank you notes without being told.
Neighbors borrow your tools.
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Post by Dell19 on May 1, 2004 0:09:28 GMT -5
Scuba Diving One day a scuba diver was enjoying the aquatic world 20 feet deep. He noticed a guy at the same depth he was, but he had on no scuba gear whatsoever.
The diver went 20 feet deeper, but the other guy joined him a few minutes later. The diver went down another 25 feet, but minutes later, the same guy was there too.
Confused, the diver took out a waterproof chalk-and-board set, and wrote, "How are you able to stay under this deep without equipment?"
The guy took the board and chalk, erased what the diver had written, and wrote, "I'M DROWNING, YOU IDIOT!!!"
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Post by Dell19 on May 3, 2004 3:30:07 GMT -5
Let Sleeping Dogs Lie
I was in the backyard hanging the laundry when an old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home. But when I walked into the house, he followed me, sauntered down the hall and fell asleep in a corner. An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out. The next day he was back. He resumed his position in the hallway and slept for an hour.
This continued for several weeks. Curious, I pinned a note to his collar:
"Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap. "
The next day the dog arrived with a different note pinned to his collar:
"He lives in a home with 10 children - he's trying to catch up on his sleep."
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Post by MorningStar on May 3, 2004 10:49:54 GMT -5
It's wise to remember how easily email - this wonderful technology - can be misused, sometimes unintentionally, with serous consequences.
Consider the case of the Illinois man who left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick email.
Unfortunately, when typing her address, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife whose husband had pkmtyolped away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her email, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint.
At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:
Dearest Wife,
Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
P .S. Sure is hot down here.
- Author Unknown
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Post by MorningStar on May 3, 2004 10:50:56 GMT -5
A few minutes before the services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in frantic effort to get away from the evil incarnate. Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. So Satan walked up to the old man and said, "Don't you know who I am?" The man replied, "Yep, sure do." "Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked. "Nope, sure ain't." said the man "don't you realize I can kill you with a word?" asked Satan. "Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone. "Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, physical AGONY for all eternity?" persisted Satan. "Yep," was the calm reply. "And your're still not afraid?" asked Satan. "Nope." More than a lttle perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?" The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years". Go here for tons more: www.beliefnet.com/boards/message_list.asp?boardID=770&discussionID=44791
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Post by kkawohl on May 4, 2004 11:20:47 GMT -5
A 92 year old gentleman asked to speak to the pharmacist after he had his Viagra prescription filled.
"Can you please cut each of my pills into 4 pieces", the man asked.
The pharmacist looked puzzled and replied, "Sir, a quarter of a Viagra pill will not do you much good".
"Yes it will", the elder gentleman said, "I don't want these pills for having sex, I just want to get it high enough to keep from peeing on my shoes".
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Post by Dell19 on May 6, 2004 22:41:27 GMT -5
An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any recent interest in his paintings which happened to be on display. "I have good news and bad news," the gallery owner replied. " The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death." "What did you say?" questioned the artist. "When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings." "That's wonderful!" the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad news?" "The gentleman was your doctor."
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Post by Dell19 on May 8, 2004 0:11:14 GMT -5
A major was assigned to a new office on a military base. While he worked to set up his office, a private knocked on the door. The major quickly picked up the phone and motioned for the private to enter. On the phone the major said, "Yes, General Schwarzkopf, I think that is an excellent idea. . . . No sir, that's fine, you feel free to call me any time. I'm glad I can help. . . . Yes sir, I will, and you give my best to your family as well. Thank you sir, and a good day to you too, General Schwarzkopf." As the major hung up the phone he turned to the private and asked, "What can I do for you, private?" Sheepishly, the private mumbled, "Um, sir, I'm just here to hook up your phone."
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Post by Dell19 on May 8, 2004 20:30:38 GMT -5
Things Your Mother Wouldn't Say
"Be good and for your birthday I'll buy you a motorcycle!"
"How on earth can you see the TV sitting so far back?"
"Don't bother wearing a jacket--it's quite warm out."
"Let me smell that shirt--yeah, it's good for another week."
"I think a cluttered bedroom is a sign of creativity."
"Yeah, I used to skip school, too."
"Just leave all the lights on...it makes the house more cheery."
"Could you turn the music up louder so I can enjoy it, too?"
"Run and bring me the scissors! Hurry!"
"Aw, just turn these undies inside out. No one will ever know."
"I don't have a tissue with me--just use your sleeve."
"Well, if Timmy's Mom says it's okay, that's good enough for me."
"Of course you should walk to school and back. What's the big deal about having to cross a few main streets?"
"My meeting won't be over till later tonight. You kids don't mind if we skip dinner?
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Post by Dell19 on May 12, 2004 15:28:01 GMT -5
Going Down
As the storm raged, the captain realized his ship was sinking fast. He called out, "Anyone here know how to pray?" One man stepped forward. "Aye, Captain, I know how to pray."
"Good," said the captain, "you pray while the rest of us put on our life jackets - we're one short."
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Post by Dell19 on May 13, 2004 2:42:28 GMT -5
An old preacher An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for his IRS agent and his Lawyer (both church members) to come to his home. When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. As they entered the room, the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. The preacher grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything.
Both the IRS agent and Lawyer were touched and flattered that the old preacher would ask them to be with him during his final moment. They were also puzzled because the preacher had never given any indication that he particularly liked either one of them.
Finally, the Lawyer asked, "Preacher, why did you ask the two of us to come?"
The old preacher mustered up some strength, then said weakly, "Jesus died between two thieves, and that's how I want to go, too."
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