Post by limegreenzer on Mar 24, 2004 18:27:19 GMT -5
PART ONE
I am afraid that this is the wrong place, or the wrong way to explain my story, but somehow it seems right. I have to tell someone, and after reading the first two Left Behind Books (I am captivated...havn't put them down yet) I found this website and read it over. From most of it....I don't know. I feel like this group is the people to talk to. Or at least, to tell. So, I'll just start out my story at the begininning and get the part that I -need- to tell. Thank you in advance for listening/reading...God Bless.
I was born to Christian parents, although I have no inkling of their level of faith at that time and have yet to broach the subject with them. My childhood (Not that I've really left it, being only 13) wasn't perfect, but there was nothing wrong with it that I could pinpoint that would be worth anything. I had..or have....a fantastic life, really. Both of my parents are fantastic and would do anything for my sister and I, and have supported me all my life. Words don't explain how thankfull I am for them and my sister, whom I love very much, but that is not my story. As a matter of fact, my story really starts at a point where I was on rough tensions with both of my parents and barely realized ow fortunate I was. Auctually, right now I still don't register and am mostly writing this down because I know it's true but am not wise enough to appreciate it yet.
Anyway.
Last year, in the seventh grade, I met someone who has become probably the closest friend I have EVER had. Don't assume it was a crush or anything of the sort, he was more of a brother to me. Last year was fantastic, all in all, and I grew incrediably close to him...beyond explaination, really. I trusted him and loved him and we had promised each other we would indefinately be friends forever. He began to grow drastically in his Christianity, and whenever he mentioned it part of me wished I could have that too, but then decided and insisted to him that I wasn't ready yet, and that I didn't feel like I could just yet. In auctuallity, and I realized this even as I said it: Christianity wasn't a big deal to me right now, I was content how I was and figured I could continue having as much fun as I was while only going to church opkmtyolcionaly and praying only before a test. Sinning was fine, as long as it wasn't anything really bad and I apologized for it all when I got older. It sounds so cliche when I look back on it, but then to me it seemed perfectly sensible...except for in the back of my mind.
Once school got out, summer kicked in and got about halfway through....then things plummeted. I didn't see them as terrible, because it was my own reasoning...: I was planning, considering, attempting, whatever you want to call it, suicide. My friend that I mentioned earlier, Eric, tried desprately to help me, and after a while he succeded. Partly it was because I thought I might have been doing it for attention, for a little while, and that was stupid.Sickeningly, my Faith NEVER even came into play in the entire situation. Not once. Not even my lack of it. I stopped that train of thought for the time being, and moved on into 8th grade. (This year)
Everything was going ok, really, though I stilll had the pkmtyolpable I-can-wait attitude about Christ. Although I was struggling with Eric moving on to highschool without me, I had found another circle of friends that I managed to have fun with. A couple were atheist, not that that is terrible, but none in that group were as openly religious as Eric had been and therefore God slid almost entirely out of my mind, except when Sunday morning came and I had to think up an excuse not to go to church. One boy who was in many of my cpkmtyolles became to me almost what Eric had been, and I really don't know what would have happened without that small gesture of stability. About a month ago I crashed again, except this time I went much, much deeper. I returned from a three day field trip to the beach with my school, and spent the next day locked in my room struggling with my own mind. I saw myself not only as worthless, but a hinderance to my friends who I loved so much. In my mind, for their sake, this hinderance had to be eliminated. Tyler (The boy mentioned above) pleaded with me on the phone untill very late at night, obviously in tears. Eric had shrugged my situation off, seeing it as a pathetic plea for attention, and no one else even knew. I had been trying to slit my wrists with a thumbtack, and praise God I didn't have access to something sharper that night. I remember at one point on the phone, Tyler went silent for a long time, and I was growing fed up with trying to break the skin with something so blunt as a thumbtack. Just when I was considering going downstairs for a pair of scisors, he spoke up with a sigh. "It's going to be OK now, You won't do anything." I asked him, dubious and almost resentfull that he doubted me. I don't know what sick satisfaction I got out of his belif in my intentions, but I do know that this time it hadn't been for attention. (The first time I had never auctually tried to do anything...this time I had full intentions to die. Only fear and lack of a sharp object stopped me...untill Tyler talked) Anyway, I asked him what he had ment and he told me that he had been praying, and I can hear him saying.. "God has to listen to me now, He never does because I am selfish, but He won't let you die." Tyler never really convinced me that night. The reason I never managed? I fell asleep while we were still on the phone....thumbtack in my right hand. I woke the next morning and called him back, his words still in the back of my mind, and promised him I wouldn't do anything again for a while...even though I wasn't happy about it.
I am afraid that this is the wrong place, or the wrong way to explain my story, but somehow it seems right. I have to tell someone, and after reading the first two Left Behind Books (I am captivated...havn't put them down yet) I found this website and read it over. From most of it....I don't know. I feel like this group is the people to talk to. Or at least, to tell. So, I'll just start out my story at the begininning and get the part that I -need- to tell. Thank you in advance for listening/reading...God Bless.
I was born to Christian parents, although I have no inkling of their level of faith at that time and have yet to broach the subject with them. My childhood (Not that I've really left it, being only 13) wasn't perfect, but there was nothing wrong with it that I could pinpoint that would be worth anything. I had..or have....a fantastic life, really. Both of my parents are fantastic and would do anything for my sister and I, and have supported me all my life. Words don't explain how thankfull I am for them and my sister, whom I love very much, but that is not my story. As a matter of fact, my story really starts at a point where I was on rough tensions with both of my parents and barely realized ow fortunate I was. Auctually, right now I still don't register and am mostly writing this down because I know it's true but am not wise enough to appreciate it yet.
Anyway.
Last year, in the seventh grade, I met someone who has become probably the closest friend I have EVER had. Don't assume it was a crush or anything of the sort, he was more of a brother to me. Last year was fantastic, all in all, and I grew incrediably close to him...beyond explaination, really. I trusted him and loved him and we had promised each other we would indefinately be friends forever. He began to grow drastically in his Christianity, and whenever he mentioned it part of me wished I could have that too, but then decided and insisted to him that I wasn't ready yet, and that I didn't feel like I could just yet. In auctuallity, and I realized this even as I said it: Christianity wasn't a big deal to me right now, I was content how I was and figured I could continue having as much fun as I was while only going to church opkmtyolcionaly and praying only before a test. Sinning was fine, as long as it wasn't anything really bad and I apologized for it all when I got older. It sounds so cliche when I look back on it, but then to me it seemed perfectly sensible...except for in the back of my mind.
Once school got out, summer kicked in and got about halfway through....then things plummeted. I didn't see them as terrible, because it was my own reasoning...: I was planning, considering, attempting, whatever you want to call it, suicide. My friend that I mentioned earlier, Eric, tried desprately to help me, and after a while he succeded. Partly it was because I thought I might have been doing it for attention, for a little while, and that was stupid.Sickeningly, my Faith NEVER even came into play in the entire situation. Not once. Not even my lack of it. I stopped that train of thought for the time being, and moved on into 8th grade. (This year)
Everything was going ok, really, though I stilll had the pkmtyolpable I-can-wait attitude about Christ. Although I was struggling with Eric moving on to highschool without me, I had found another circle of friends that I managed to have fun with. A couple were atheist, not that that is terrible, but none in that group were as openly religious as Eric had been and therefore God slid almost entirely out of my mind, except when Sunday morning came and I had to think up an excuse not to go to church. One boy who was in many of my cpkmtyolles became to me almost what Eric had been, and I really don't know what would have happened without that small gesture of stability. About a month ago I crashed again, except this time I went much, much deeper. I returned from a three day field trip to the beach with my school, and spent the next day locked in my room struggling with my own mind. I saw myself not only as worthless, but a hinderance to my friends who I loved so much. In my mind, for their sake, this hinderance had to be eliminated. Tyler (The boy mentioned above) pleaded with me on the phone untill very late at night, obviously in tears. Eric had shrugged my situation off, seeing it as a pathetic plea for attention, and no one else even knew. I had been trying to slit my wrists with a thumbtack, and praise God I didn't have access to something sharper that night. I remember at one point on the phone, Tyler went silent for a long time, and I was growing fed up with trying to break the skin with something so blunt as a thumbtack. Just when I was considering going downstairs for a pair of scisors, he spoke up with a sigh. "It's going to be OK now, You won't do anything." I asked him, dubious and almost resentfull that he doubted me. I don't know what sick satisfaction I got out of his belif in my intentions, but I do know that this time it hadn't been for attention. (The first time I had never auctually tried to do anything...this time I had full intentions to die. Only fear and lack of a sharp object stopped me...untill Tyler talked) Anyway, I asked him what he had ment and he told me that he had been praying, and I can hear him saying.. "God has to listen to me now, He never does because I am selfish, but He won't let you die." Tyler never really convinced me that night. The reason I never managed? I fell asleep while we were still on the phone....thumbtack in my right hand. I woke the next morning and called him back, his words still in the back of my mind, and promised him I wouldn't do anything again for a while...even though I wasn't happy about it.
