Post by Heavensdaughter on Aug 30, 2003 15:27:35 GMT -5
I don't really know what I want you to pray for specifically. My biological dad (and that's what I call him) and his family and I....well I don't know what to use to describe it- we're estranged- that's as good a word as any. There hasn't been any fight or falling out- we just really don't keep in touch with each other- and by this I mean that it might be 4 or 5 years between phone calls or letters.
I'll just tell ya'll about it, and ya'll decide how to pray, as I feel disconnected from it all in most ways, but still heartbroken.
My mom and biological dad divorced when I was one, because my dad got a secretary at work pregnant, so he divorced my mom to marry the secretary- they wound up having two daughters together. My dad saw me pretty regularly until I was about 4. This was when his 2nd wife and him divorced- she got custody of my sisters, and according to my dad, disappeared with them, and that's why he didn't see me, because he was trying to locate them.....Then when I was five, he started visitation again- not really regularly, but at least once a month.... When my mother remarried to the man I consider my dad, my biological dad still visited, but then excuses would happen, like his taillight was out, and he couldn't drive me home, or fights between my mom and stepdad and my dad and step mom would happen- like when my step mother took it upon herself to have my hair (which had grown to below my bottom) cut off to ear length without consulting mom, dad, or step dad. So one day when I'm seven, close to eight, my dad just stops coming to see me, doesn't write, doesn't call, and he stopped paying child support- the only time he called was once, when his income tax check was garnished and given to my mother, he called to gripe at her, not to check on me. None of the rest of my dad's family would even talk about him to me- they did not visit, call to see how I was doing, etc. The only one that kept in touch with me over the years were my grandparents, not any of my dad's five siblings and siblings in law. Even then, the contact was sporadic, and inconsiderate at best- I found out at Thanksgiving in seventh grade, that my grandfather had died over a year earlier. No one told me and I never had a chance to say goodbye, or really to get to know him. Skip forward a few years to when I'm in high school- my grandmother and I wrote back and forth regularly- again though, any questions about my dad were ignored. Then my grandma gets cancer when I'm like a senior and has to come to Texas (she lived in OK), to go to MD Anderson. When I graduated, I invited all of my dad's family, and sent an invite to my dad through one of his brothers, none of them showed up, and only two even acknowledged the invite. Anyways, she pkmtyolped away about two months after I graduated from high school- I went to Oklahoma to go to her funeral, and it was so bad for me- I didn't know my own family- I thought my uncle was my dad when I first saw him. My dad showed up, all of my aunts and uncles of course- and all of them except for one, acted like it hadn't been ten years since they had seen me- one aunt said, I can't believe it's been this long, and flashed my dad a dirty look. He was like it's only been eight years- and he was serious, like it wasn't a big deal- he didn't even have the years part right. Then they all tried telling me they didn't know where I was living all that time- despite the fact that I lived at the same address and had the same phone number since my parents divorced. Anyways, for the year and half following that, we all kept in touch at least every month. Then at my first wedding, my biological dad gave me away- I thought it was a sign that things would change- my dad was the only one who showed up, but the others sent gifts and cards and called me. Then after my first husband and I divorced, and I later became pregnant with my son, the calls and letters stopped virtually altogether. When my son was two, I decided to try to find my sisters- it took all of a week- enough time for an ad to run in one little small time newspaper- they lived 45 minutes from me. We talked, and turns out, my dad and family told me they had no idea where they were, when they too had lived at the same address with the same phone number since their mom and our dad divorced.... they didn't get child support either, and no one kept in touch with them. They told me it was okay for me to give everyone their address and phone number, and as far as I know, no one has ever called or written them- not even my dad (I also sent him pictures of them and his other grandchild, a beautiful little girl named winter). The reunion didn't work out really well, because as it turns out, apparently, my sisters and I aren't all that different from my dad's family- on the one hand we love each other, but we're so wrapped up in our daily lives, and so shy and awkward, that we don't keep in touch. Now fast forward three years- I haven't heard from my sisters now for about a year and a half- despite the fact that I've written quite a few letters at least attempting to stay in touch. As for the rest of my biological paternal family, I just found out two days ago that a great-uncle of mine died two weeks ago- and not from any of them- I found out quite by accident from a stranger I met on a genealogy board. I know for a fact that they have my # and address, and it has been bothering me that they didn't think I might want to know. I have one aunt (out of 5), who has been getting over breat cancer for about a year now, who writes diligently when she feels well enough to.
I don't know- I thought I had gotten over the bitter feelings that I have about this, and I've tried to be understanding of my dad- my mother has even tried to help me be understanding (and he owes her about 25 grand in back child support), I know that when he went to Vietnam, something snapped in him and he's not been the same since, and that he fights the demons and other results from that- alcohol, etc..... I know this in my heart that that is part of his problem- on the other hand, I think there is NO excuse for abandoning not one but three daughters, and never giving them the opportunity to grow up with each other, and know each other. This past week has brought all of those old feelings to surface again- so I don't think I let go, so much as disconnected myself from it. I tried calling all of my dad's family- I got three disconnects, two answering machines, a never ending ring, and one answer- from the great-aunt whose husband died. She said they don't really keep in touch with her either. It just for some reason made me mad, that they didn't answer or weren't there- it's the story of my life- they've never been there. I feel like I'm the only one who has made a real effort to keep in touch, even when I was a child and shouldn't have had to try- I've basically given up trying to make myself a part of that family, and only try to get in touch every three or four months now....
So I don't know what kind of prayers I need, but I want closure and peace with this- I don't want to be bitter about it- I want answers without having to ask them... I want objectivity and advice!
I'll just tell ya'll about it, and ya'll decide how to pray, as I feel disconnected from it all in most ways, but still heartbroken.
My mom and biological dad divorced when I was one, because my dad got a secretary at work pregnant, so he divorced my mom to marry the secretary- they wound up having two daughters together. My dad saw me pretty regularly until I was about 4. This was when his 2nd wife and him divorced- she got custody of my sisters, and according to my dad, disappeared with them, and that's why he didn't see me, because he was trying to locate them.....Then when I was five, he started visitation again- not really regularly, but at least once a month.... When my mother remarried to the man I consider my dad, my biological dad still visited, but then excuses would happen, like his taillight was out, and he couldn't drive me home, or fights between my mom and stepdad and my dad and step mom would happen- like when my step mother took it upon herself to have my hair (which had grown to below my bottom) cut off to ear length without consulting mom, dad, or step dad. So one day when I'm seven, close to eight, my dad just stops coming to see me, doesn't write, doesn't call, and he stopped paying child support- the only time he called was once, when his income tax check was garnished and given to my mother, he called to gripe at her, not to check on me. None of the rest of my dad's family would even talk about him to me- they did not visit, call to see how I was doing, etc. The only one that kept in touch with me over the years were my grandparents, not any of my dad's five siblings and siblings in law. Even then, the contact was sporadic, and inconsiderate at best- I found out at Thanksgiving in seventh grade, that my grandfather had died over a year earlier. No one told me and I never had a chance to say goodbye, or really to get to know him. Skip forward a few years to when I'm in high school- my grandmother and I wrote back and forth regularly- again though, any questions about my dad were ignored. Then my grandma gets cancer when I'm like a senior and has to come to Texas (she lived in OK), to go to MD Anderson. When I graduated, I invited all of my dad's family, and sent an invite to my dad through one of his brothers, none of them showed up, and only two even acknowledged the invite. Anyways, she pkmtyolped away about two months after I graduated from high school- I went to Oklahoma to go to her funeral, and it was so bad for me- I didn't know my own family- I thought my uncle was my dad when I first saw him. My dad showed up, all of my aunts and uncles of course- and all of them except for one, acted like it hadn't been ten years since they had seen me- one aunt said, I can't believe it's been this long, and flashed my dad a dirty look. He was like it's only been eight years- and he was serious, like it wasn't a big deal- he didn't even have the years part right. Then they all tried telling me they didn't know where I was living all that time- despite the fact that I lived at the same address and had the same phone number since my parents divorced. Anyways, for the year and half following that, we all kept in touch at least every month. Then at my first wedding, my biological dad gave me away- I thought it was a sign that things would change- my dad was the only one who showed up, but the others sent gifts and cards and called me. Then after my first husband and I divorced, and I later became pregnant with my son, the calls and letters stopped virtually altogether. When my son was two, I decided to try to find my sisters- it took all of a week- enough time for an ad to run in one little small time newspaper- they lived 45 minutes from me. We talked, and turns out, my dad and family told me they had no idea where they were, when they too had lived at the same address with the same phone number since their mom and our dad divorced.... they didn't get child support either, and no one kept in touch with them. They told me it was okay for me to give everyone their address and phone number, and as far as I know, no one has ever called or written them- not even my dad (I also sent him pictures of them and his other grandchild, a beautiful little girl named winter). The reunion didn't work out really well, because as it turns out, apparently, my sisters and I aren't all that different from my dad's family- on the one hand we love each other, but we're so wrapped up in our daily lives, and so shy and awkward, that we don't keep in touch. Now fast forward three years- I haven't heard from my sisters now for about a year and a half- despite the fact that I've written quite a few letters at least attempting to stay in touch. As for the rest of my biological paternal family, I just found out two days ago that a great-uncle of mine died two weeks ago- and not from any of them- I found out quite by accident from a stranger I met on a genealogy board. I know for a fact that they have my # and address, and it has been bothering me that they didn't think I might want to know. I have one aunt (out of 5), who has been getting over breat cancer for about a year now, who writes diligently when she feels well enough to.
I don't know- I thought I had gotten over the bitter feelings that I have about this, and I've tried to be understanding of my dad- my mother has even tried to help me be understanding (and he owes her about 25 grand in back child support), I know that when he went to Vietnam, something snapped in him and he's not been the same since, and that he fights the demons and other results from that- alcohol, etc..... I know this in my heart that that is part of his problem- on the other hand, I think there is NO excuse for abandoning not one but three daughters, and never giving them the opportunity to grow up with each other, and know each other. This past week has brought all of those old feelings to surface again- so I don't think I let go, so much as disconnected myself from it. I tried calling all of my dad's family- I got three disconnects, two answering machines, a never ending ring, and one answer- from the great-aunt whose husband died. She said they don't really keep in touch with her either. It just for some reason made me mad, that they didn't answer or weren't there- it's the story of my life- they've never been there. I feel like I'm the only one who has made a real effort to keep in touch, even when I was a child and shouldn't have had to try- I've basically given up trying to make myself a part of that family, and only try to get in touch every three or four months now....
So I don't know what kind of prayers I need, but I want closure and peace with this- I don't want to be bitter about it- I want answers without having to ask them... I want objectivity and advice!
